Deer in Your Headlights

Manhatten Air Smell Index

2005-10-30T21:56:00.000-08:00

According to ABC Radio News, the smell of waffles has been permeating the air in a large section of New York City for the past several days. This has concerned some people, as the etiology of this smell is unknown.

Poor New Yorkers.

Meanwhile, Fresno smells like...Waffles!...
...soaked in month old curdled milk and petroleum jelly, with not so subtle hints of barn-yard odors.

Rosa Parks

2005-10-30T21:40:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to take a moment to pay tribute to an American icon. Simple actions taken by ordinary people have revolutionary results when they speak truth to power. This is a notion that is particularly relevant in our current political climate. We will try to honor your legacy by not only remembering, but changing our personal and societal paradigms as situations require.

Rest in Peace, Ms. Parks.

Random

2005-10-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

What's goin' on with me today;

1. I realized nominating a corporate attorney to a lifelong position in the highest court in the land, in which she would be trusted with the task of interpreting the Constitution, is akin to hiring a dentist to do your boob job. I quickly conceded my mistake and withdrew my nomination before she would have to suffer the embarrassment of falling on her sword for me by stepping down herself.

2. Heard updates on the current indictment proceedings. Hummed "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" throughout day.

3. Listened to the wind. Today it cried "Mabel." Aw Jimmy, so close.

4. Called Lil Jon to make sure he was Okay.

5. Wished that just once, in rebuttal to Dubbya during the Presidential debates, Kerry had simply replied "Aww, look everyone. Georgie's pretending to be the President again."

6. Disappointed Britney and Kevin didn't go with their first choice of baby names: Freeto Chip Federline.

7. Got ripped on Sloe Gin. Came to see that Jackson Pollock's works start to look inspired if you're as drunk as Jackson Pollock.

8. Stared at the toilet and chuckled at idea of street sign that says "Sloe, Children Puking."

9. Swore off white-trash alcohol for the 3rd time this year.

10. Felt twinge of guilt for making up all the sloe gin stuff.

Fresno Air Smell Index for Thursday, November 27, 2005: Mad Dog 20/20 and egg-farts with subtle hints of wet laundry accidentally left in the washer for several days.

10 Reasons why gay marriage is wrong

2005-10-23T23:14:00.002-07:00

A friend sent me this--it's from Craig's list. I thought it was hilarious and poignent. For those who think government should stay out of it's citizen's pants, pass it on to a friend.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong (from craigslist)

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural
things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that
hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal
standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at
all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and
divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were
allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage
would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay
couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry
because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents
only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours,
the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why
we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at
home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise
children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never
adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the
service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Fresno Air Smell Index for Sunday, October 23, 2005:
Dirty Hair and Something on the bottom of my 16 year old British Knights
that shouldn't be there.

Olivia Newton John Wayne Newton would be a Good Band Name

2005-10-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

Statement that would have evoked laughter 15 years ago this day:
"I wonder how Madonna finds time to be a mother AND a children's book author."

Fresno Air Smell Index for Monday, October 17, 2005:
Grandma's breath after consuming corn-nuts and Alpo.

Air smell of the day

2005-10-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

New to my blog is a daily (or how ever often I manage to get my lazy ass away from The Home Shopping Network) log of "The Fresno Air Smell Index."

For the uninitiated (those who were neither conceived here nor had the good fortune of traversing our national landscape with a final destination of Fresno CA), California's Central Valley is often referred to as the "arm-pit of California." (The Chamber of Commerce prefers more marketable monikers such as "Gateway to the Sierras" or "The Bread Basket of the West." What ever rolls you a Yatzee.)

You see, Fresno stinks.

Literally. A few might debate the figurative application of this phrase, but there's no arguing the concrete. Fresno smells like...

Well it kind of changes day to day, which makes it rather entertaining for all--You never know what you'll wake to! The only guarantee: it won't be good.

Unless you take pleasure in the smell for Sunday, October 16, 2005:

Trench-foot and red-wine vinegar, with subtle notes of Brie stored over night in a gym-locker.

It's time for a Sexy Party!

2005-10-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, a Family Guy reference.

O.K., I've been a little slow getting this whole blog thing going. I'm hoping I'll be able to devote a little more time to this project now. For the last several weeks, I have been busy studying for, attending and reviewing the information from a continuing education course I attended in beautiful Redondo Beach.

As you've likely read in my bio, I'm an occupational therapist. I do a lot of work with patients who are recovering from strokes. The course was an advanced course in recovery of shoulder function, taught by Waleed Al-Oboudi, founder of the Neuro-IFRAH organization. This was a quite a privilege, and I feel very fortunate to have taken part in this.

For anybody out there who might happen to be a therapist or therapy assistant who works with those who have suffered strokes, I would highly recommend taking courses from this gentleman. If I could, I would reach through the screen and twist your arm behind your back until you agreed to take his classes.

Visit his web site at Neuro-IFRAH.org. This is an unpaid endorsement.

And I promise, more entries to come.

2005-10-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/

10 statements that would have evoked laughter 15 years ago.

2005-09-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

1. "Boy, that Marky Mark is a pretty good actor."
2. "George W. Bush may have run Harken oil into the ground and stolen money from the company's investors through insider trading, but he is the greatest/worst President of the USA, ever."
3. "I believe that's the issue of Playboy with the naked pics of Debbie Gibson."
4. "Dennis Miller is one of the more interesting Neo-con pundits."
5. "Do you go to the Starbucks on 5th and Jones, or the one across the street from it?"
6. "I think I was living in Kansas City when Michael Jackson announced he was marrying Elvis' daughter."
7. "...E-commerce..."
8. "Over 20 years in the public eye and Tom Cruise still hasn't come out of the closet."
9. "Keanu Reeves is slated to star in a movie that will start filming this month..."
10. "Your plane is ready, Governor Schwarzeneggar/Ventura."

Random

2005-09-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

What's goin' on with me today?

1. Outlined plan to keep Ashton Kutcher from dating my grandmother.
2. Ate Indian food for dinner. Rued that choice one hour later when I experienced Tandoori diarrhea.
3. Felt the white-man's guilt for laughing at a racist joke. Guilt turned to confusion as joke was told by Chris Rock.
4. Named my favorite cocktail of Bourbon over crushed Vicodin, stirred not shaken, over rocks in a plastic lowball tumbler a "Liz Taylor."
5. Day-drempt about a world in which John McCain won the 2000 primaries, FEMA was still a cabinet agency instead of an Arabian horse show and New Orleans' levees held up.
6. Plugged all known variables into my own meticulously calculated mathematical equation in order to determine the number of days until Britney poses nude for an issue of Playboy I will buy for the articles: 427.
7. Realized there must be really bad toupees that pick on Donald Trumps' hair.
8. Ate the brown acid.
9. Came to the realization that I'm not old enough to "get" the reference in #8.
10. Started my own branch of Scientology that only Brooke Shields can convert to.

Welcome to the Monkey Hizz-ouse

2005-09-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

My apologies to both Kurt Vonnegut Jr and Snoop Dog.

Welcome to my blog; a pleasing blend of the cultured and the fart joke. I am starting this blog out of the firm, albeit as of yet largely unsupported belief, that there is a considerable constituency of individuals out there yearning for a little bit of Schlitz to wash down their lavender-honey soaked, Brazil-nut and tangerine zest encrusted emu omelet aperitif.

Part of my reason for starting this blog is to provide myself with a chance to cultivate my own creativity. I often find that the most difficult part of the process is to find subject matter on which to expound. Please, send me your subject ideas for both poetry and prose. If I use your idea for a work, I will credit you accordingly.

Another reason for this blog is to share the work of others. Please send me your poems, prose, and photos (tasteful please--profanity and nudes are OK, but no Penthouse letters, my mom will check out this site from time to time). I cannot promise to publish all submissions, but if I do, again, I will credit your work.

Of course, as you will discover from my next entry , there will be a considerable amount of "less than serious" material on this blog. I hope you enjoy it all.

"Let the Feast of a Thousand Hams begin."